Here’s a little sampling of all the inappropriate / interesting things my three-year-old has said to me in the last couple of days. It’s like I have a teenager in a toddler’s body. No, seriously. That’s exactly what he’s like. The smart-mouth comments are relentless.
In the car today…
Brogan: Mommy, you wear me out.
Brogan: Mommy, I have had it with you! Uggghhhh…. Gosh…. Oh. My. Goodness….
Brogan: You are not being a good listener! You aren’t getting ANY MORE presents!
The other day when I wouldn’t let him push his own toast down in the toaster…
Brogan: You just took away my sunshine.
Whenever he hurts his self (stubs toe, etc.)…
Brogan: Biscuits and gravy!!!
Feeling very independent and tired of me telling him to share…
Brogan: You need to leave! This is my house and it’s all my stuff.
Ok. Well, there’s a little truth in this one. I am, in fact, living in a house smack full of his stuff.
And about 52 times in the last week…
Brogan: Don’t touch me! I Told. You. Not. To. Touch. Me!!!
Brogan: Don’t talk to me like that!
I think I need a paddle. And some Tylenol. And a beer. Lord help me with this one!
So I’m not sure what I expected communicating with a 3-year-old would be like before mine could talk. But I am daily amused and amazed (and occasionally appalled) by his wit, his intellect and his sass. I think all parents go through this when their children start speaking like little adults. They’ve soaked up words and phrases from school and family members (and you) and TV, and then those little brains get to processing and they blurt out something way beyond their years. A couple funny ones from Brogan recently… the italicized words reflect real inflection in his voice. The funniest part to me may actually be the way he says these things…
After twisting Beckett around in the swing and letting him go and watching him unwind really fast (and Beckett squealing with laughter) Brogan, in recalling the scenario to me, “Mommy, it was so funny I just died!”
Brogan was going through Blake’s toolbox, trying to find a tool that was “really, really special” to him and I told him no (we have enough tools strewn all over the house – which I explained to him). Instead of his typical M.O. (throwing an absolute fit), he got a really serious look on his face and said, “Mommy, that makes no sense!”
In response to my disciplining him, I get a battery of “that is so rude” and “the way you are talking to me is so ugly” and “the way you are acting makes me really, really sad.”
In response to me explaining that mommy and daddy are going away for the weekend and he’ll be spending time with his grandparents, aunts and uncles, “Mommy, I will be so, so, so worried about you!”
After observing me correcting Beckett for misbehaving, (in a patronizing voice) “Mommy, Beckett doesn’t know any better.”
After I’ve responded that Beckett, in fact, does know better, (in a really patronizing voice) “Mommy, sometimes Beckett doesn’t know any better, and sometimes he does know better.”
After waking up at 4:30am on a Saturday, crawling into bed with me, “I’m hungry, mommy. I want breakfast.” To which I responded, “It’s really early, go downstairs and get a snack.” “No, mommy, I don’t want snack breakfast, I want real breakfast.” (He is so my kid.)
It’s a pretty ridiculous idea, but as I was swinging the boys on their play set and I was asking Brogan questions about his day, I thought, what if I just started asking him random questions – like I was interviewing him? Wonder what sort of answers I’ll get…
Me: Brogan, what is mommy’s favorite thing to do?
Brogan: Cook. But you’re just a home cook. Daddy’s a chef.
Me: What’s daddy’s favorite thing to do?
Brogan: Put the boys to bed
Me: What’s your favorite thing to do?
Brogan: Play fire trucks woo woo woo [spot on sound effects]
Me: Why do you like playing fire trucks?
Brogan: Because you get to use the walkie talkie and say Roger that we are on our way!
Me: What’s your favorite animal?
Brogan: A mouse
Brogan: Because mouses are quiet Oh, the irony
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Brogan: I love it because the girls like pink Shocker!
Me: What’s your favorite food?
Brogan: Pizza and sausage and pancakes
Me: What’s your favorite vegetable?
Brogan: Because squirrels love seeds But of course!
Me: If you had a lot of money and could buy anything, what would you buy?
Brogan: Sunflower seeds
Me: If you could go anywhere in the whole world, where would you go?
Brogan: To the market
Me: What would you buy at the market?
Brogan: Sunflower seeds Duh, that was a stupid question
Me: What do you like most about Beckett?
Brogan: I like him because he is sweet to me. But when he’s not sweet to me, I don’t like him. And when he bites me, I’m going to bite him back. Eye for an eye, son
It’s never a dull moment. I think I will periodically ask him these questions and see how his answers change. Such a treat to get a glimpse into his spunky little mind.
I had a couple of rough days this week. The boys were crazy (and ornery and screaming and biting and destructive), Blake worked late every night and my baby sitter has been sick (necessitating the use of my backup plan, and then my backup, backup plan). But then there are nights like tonight where everything magically goes smooth. They were content while I cooked dinner, they ate well, we played outside on the swing set, bath time was uneventful, they played nicely together and they were both in bed by 8:08. I was actually able to enjoy my boys. Unfortunately sometimes it gets so stressful that it’s hard to take in all the special little moments. But today I did.
I love having conversations with my three-year-old. I like asking him questions and seeing what sort of whacky response I get. My favorite from today was about Christmas. He brings up his elf Max frequently, and Max leads to Santa, and so I asked what he wanted Santa to bring him. “Ummm… ummm… I want a trumpet. And a girl book.” He giggled. Hmm. “A girl book?” I asked. “What is a girl book?” “You know,” he replies, “a book with a lot of girls in it.” My son. I probed some more but all he’d do was smile and laugh. Santa can probably handle the trumpet, but I’m pretty sure he won’t be delivering “girl book.” Geez.
Brogan has also been dabbling in irony. He favorite response to me telling him to do something, or when he doesn’t get his way is “that’s rude!” Funny he should say that because yesterday, as I was pushing him on the swing, he asked me to push him really high like daddy does. I told him that I’d try, but that I wasn’t as strong as daddy. This lead to the question, “do you to go the gym?” I responded no. And his response, and I quote “oh, that’s why you got a booty!” All I can do is laugh at this one.
And this special, special child does not lack for confidence either. As he was venturing to do something that bordered on should I or should I not let him do what he’s about to do (can’t for the life of me remember what it was), I finally agreed, but threw in the mom comment “but be careful!” And his response, “don’t worry mommy, I’m a smart boy.” Why yes, Brogan. Yes you are. Sometimes a little too smart for your own good.
I spent the last two days traveling for work in Nashville, which meant that Blake was running a 24-hour Daddy Daycare. I came home to the boys fed, the dishes done and the house in a pretty reasonable state – very, happy mommy! When I walked through the door tonight, I was greeted by a very concerned 3-year-old who said, “Mommy, I was worried about you!” He gave me a hug. “Mommy, I was so worried about you,” he said again. He couldn’t quite articulate what he was “worried” about, but I’ll equate it to that he missed me. It makes me smile when Brogan, and now even Beckett, says something that tells you they know more than you thought they did. It’s like when they say, “actually” or “probably” and use it properly. Or when they respond in a way that you would expect from their 12-year-old self… I told Brogan the other day that we were going to work on his homework from preschool, and without skipping a beat, he said, “Oh man!” Really? How does he already have a negative attitude toward homework? Does that come hard-wired or what? I didn’t even know he knew what the word meant, and perhaps his meaning of the word was incorrect, but nevertheless, his response cracked me up.
For Beckett, it’s the use of the word “yeah”. The funny thing about that is his other words, like mommy, daddy and dog, all sound like baby talk (although you can still make them out). But Beckett has recognized when you ask him a question (perhaps by the inflection in your voice) and answers in a very clear, almost big-kid voice, “yeah.” “Beckett, do you want to watch MickeyMouse Club House?” “Yeah.” “Beckett, do you want your milk?” “Yeah.” “Beckett, is mommy the most awesome mommy ever?” “Yeah.” Articulate and smart, that’s my boy.
Every day as a parent is a day of learning – the subject is typically a surprise, but you can always count on a lesson. Today my boys taught me…
1.) Never lead with fries – No matter how good of an eater you’ve got, don’t lead with the fries. It will be hard to near impossible to get them to eat anything with any greater nutritional value once they’ve got a yummy, greasy, salty fry in those chompers. You want some chicken? [shakes his head no] You want some broccoli? [shakes his head no] You want a fry? Yeah! Well crap.
2.) Sometimes you have to break the rules – So if you’ve read my posts about food, you may have gathered that I don’t like highly processed artificially flavored food colored anything. I don’t buy it, I don’t eat it myself, I don’t feed it to my kids. However, sometimes you’ve got to break the rules. Perfect example – the haircut. Beckett is still not too thrilled with the whole idea, especially when they have to hold his head to use the clippers. If his mood is not right, the kid will freak out. Solution? A lollipop. Not the all-natural real fruit ones that the mom I was when there was just one used to carry around, but a good ole fashioned bright red DumDum lollipop. Well, rules were made to be broken, right?
3.) Miracles happen every day – Just when I thought it wasn’t possible, my boys proved tonight that miracles do exist. They actually spent 20 minutes playing happily and quietly together. There was no hitting, no biting, no hair pulling. No screaming, no crying, no whining. Just two little boys playing at their work bench. I was folding laundry in my room when I had that eerie feeling that things were too quiet. I walked to Beckett’s room and there they were being so sweet it actually put a lump in my throat. I stood at the door for a couple of seconds and they didn’t even notice I was there. So of course I had to go get my phone to document the event (the real camera was downstairs and I really didn’t want to miss this!). So don’t give up hope – even if it’s just for a short time, miracles do happen and the kids can get along.
4.) Keeping calm is contagious – I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t always keep my cool. It’s not always anger – sometimes it’s stress, sometimes it’s frustration, sometimes it’s anxiety. But I’ll tell you, the kids pick up on it. They can be like little sharks sniffing out blood and then attack when you’re at your weakest. It’s brutal. Now on the other hand, keep cool and they sense that too… and catch on. It is amazing what a nice night you can have with your kids when you make an effort to stay calm and don’t stress. It’s like they magically turn into loving little children who want to please and behave.
5.) Be nice or the kids will tell on you – Backdrop to this conversation… I would not turn around while driving to get Brogan’s milk that he was tired of holding.
Brogan: I’m going to write you a note home because you’re being mean!
Me: Who are you going to send it to?
It is true, kids say the darndest things. My 3-year-old continuously amazes me with his remarks. Especially when he says something which lets me know that he knows more than we give him credit for… or when he demonstrates a brazen act of talking back, but said with such innocence, that he has you questioning whether he was really just talking back. The answer to that question is almost always yes – he’s smart and he’s a charmer, so he’s already mastered the art of manipulation. So here are a couple of his one-liners from the last couple of days. I really need to keep a pen and paper more handy because this child gives me so much material!
Brogan: Mommy, I’m thirsty.
Me: Sorry buddy, you just had some water and you don’t need any more because you might wet the bed.
Brogan: That’s okay. I’ll just get out of bed and get more when you go downstairs.
Well, at least he’s honest…
Brogan: I want a marshmallow.
Me: Buddy, you have to eat your dinner, and if you eat really good, you can have a marshmallow for dessert.
Brogan: Uh, no thanks, I’m good. I just want a marshmallow.
Well, at least he knows what he wants…
Me: [in the bath] Brogan, stand up so I can wash you.
Brogan: [stands up] See mommy, I know how to listen!
Me: [no words; utter shock]
Me: Beckett, no sir! Stop hitting your brother!
Brogan: That’s alright. I will handle it.
Brogan: [shouts something to me from another room]
Me: What did you say?
Me: No, buddy, I couldn’t hear what you said.
Oh, how much fun he will be as a teenager!
And my favorite from this weekend… more proof that my son is, in fact, a ladies man. This was said to my sister-in-law’s pretty little 16-year-old friend.
Brogan: [upon seeing Savannah for the first time in a couple of months] Savannah, I’ve been missin’ you! [as he runs to her and gives her a big hug around the legs]
Brogan: [about 30 minutes after the first comment, obviously he needed some time to find the right words] So Savannah, do you like to go to the mall?
Really?? My 3-year-old has already figured out the ladies like when you talk about things they are interested in… Oh, Brogan, you are wise beyond your years, my son. I only hope that you are able to charm the moms and dads as well as you charm the girls… in an effort to decrease all the parent calls, of course. Oh, the joys.